Farewell 2009...

2009 brought more than its fair share of craziness. In one small year my life has changed considerably more than in any other and I'm secretly glad to be saying goodbye to it. 2010 is all about stability and grounding myself... I've decided.


Thinking back to where I was a year ago, my stomach turns over and my heart starts to race with frustration and nervousness. 
I was living with a boyfriend who didn't love me and saw me simply as something that stood in the way of his college friends. I was so filled with the feeling of being trapped and of wasted time that I was having panic attacks daily. I hadn't completed a single story or piece of writing owing to the fact that my creativity had dried up as a result of my near depression. I was working a dead end job and I was gaining weight at an alarming speed. Sweet Jesus it was a mess!!! 
I'm forced to admit that my lovely friend Francesca was right. From very early on she repeatedly told me to "run for the hills" and "get the hell out of there"... I resisted for as long as I could but it was to no avail... FRANCESCA... YOU WERE RIGHT AND I WAS WRONG... There, I've said it!!!


In early May a job came along that would have an undeniable effect on me. "Naked Boy Singing" was an all male, nude review show that quite literally liberated me from my terrible situation. It forced me to reassess my situation and kick things back into gear. I went down to the slimmest I have ever been in preparation for the public nudity. I moved out of the house I shared with my arid boyfriend and moved into a wonderful flat with a dear friend Ellis and his partner. I rekindled my creativity and wrote my first article that was published on the Guardian blog, finished my first children's book and signed to a great literary agent.
Whilst performing in "Naked Boys" I met a brilliant composer who has become a very important part of my life. He is warm and compassionate and all things good and healthy and inspiring. He has made me very happy.
I am clearing my debts, catching up on correspondence with old friends, finishing projects, working hard, reading lots, eating well, being as creative as time allows and working solidly as a performer. 
Needless to say, things are remarkably better than they were a year ago.


I have enjoyed 2009 though, with a heavy heart, I'm awfully glad to wave goodbye to it...


So here goes...  2009, you were very stressful! May 2010 be far more stable and wholesome.
Ta-ta 2009... I'll never forget you
x

The Old, Yellow Bag...

I have a bag...
An old, yellow bag that I stole from an ex boyfriend of mine. It is just a bag...
It's big and it holds a great deal and it's always heavy and it's very yellow and I love it... I love it a lot...
I realised tonight, whilst traveling home on the train, that my old, yellow bag has witnessed a great deal of my adult life. It has travelled around the country, up and down and overseas with me. It has seen me sad and happy and working and unemployed and single and dating and clubbing and drunk and sober and working my ass off and idling my day away.
It originally belonged to my ex-boyfriend Newley, who wholeheartedly encouraged me to have it and use it. He kept it on top of a cupboard and pushed it onto me so that it would have a purpose once more. 
If I'm totally honest, I didn't like the old, yellow bag when I first saw it. I thought it was obnoxious and bright and over the top. I sneered at it when I was first offered it and made fun of my friend Lee, who desperately wanted it.
BUT...
I gave in and used it out of sheer necessity. Quickly packing it full of scripts and gym kits and bottles of water for my daily routine.
That seems like a very long time ago...
My old, yellow bag has toured around the country on many performing jobs, it has seen my relationship with Newley disintegrate. It travelled with me to France and to Manchester, home to Meopham and my new home in south London and travelled with me, day in- day out, to the west-end show I performed in over the summer. 
It has been with me on first dates, and second and third and fourth. It has watched relationships die and new ones grow. It has viewed many an art gallery at my side and watched many shows from between my feet. It sat by my bed as I finished my first book and stressed and pondered over the editing. It has carried home a great deal of food shopping from the local sainsbury's and strained at the weight of my laptop being hauled from coffee shop to coffee shop.
It came with me to my first literary festival in Cheltenham and was present at my first acting job for the Donmar Warehouse.
Overall, my old, yellow bag has been a dear friend to me...
This is purely a nod in its direction... Oh the stories it could tell...
x