Farewell 2009...

2009 brought more than its fair share of craziness. In one small year my life has changed considerably more than in any other and I'm secretly glad to be saying goodbye to it. 2010 is all about stability and grounding myself... I've decided.


Thinking back to where I was a year ago, my stomach turns over and my heart starts to race with frustration and nervousness. 
I was living with a boyfriend who didn't love me and saw me simply as something that stood in the way of his college friends. I was so filled with the feeling of being trapped and of wasted time that I was having panic attacks daily. I hadn't completed a single story or piece of writing owing to the fact that my creativity had dried up as a result of my near depression. I was working a dead end job and I was gaining weight at an alarming speed. Sweet Jesus it was a mess!!! 
I'm forced to admit that my lovely friend Francesca was right. From very early on she repeatedly told me to "run for the hills" and "get the hell out of there"... I resisted for as long as I could but it was to no avail... FRANCESCA... YOU WERE RIGHT AND I WAS WRONG... There, I've said it!!!


In early May a job came along that would have an undeniable effect on me. "Naked Boy Singing" was an all male, nude review show that quite literally liberated me from my terrible situation. It forced me to reassess my situation and kick things back into gear. I went down to the slimmest I have ever been in preparation for the public nudity. I moved out of the house I shared with my arid boyfriend and moved into a wonderful flat with a dear friend Ellis and his partner. I rekindled my creativity and wrote my first article that was published on the Guardian blog, finished my first children's book and signed to a great literary agent.
Whilst performing in "Naked Boys" I met a brilliant composer who has become a very important part of my life. He is warm and compassionate and all things good and healthy and inspiring. He has made me very happy.
I am clearing my debts, catching up on correspondence with old friends, finishing projects, working hard, reading lots, eating well, being as creative as time allows and working solidly as a performer. 
Needless to say, things are remarkably better than they were a year ago.


I have enjoyed 2009 though, with a heavy heart, I'm awfully glad to wave goodbye to it...


So here goes...  2009, you were very stressful! May 2010 be far more stable and wholesome.
Ta-ta 2009... I'll never forget you
x

A Spirit Of Mischief...

Sir James Matthew Barrie is a bit of a hero of mine. A huge hero in fact.

Though he died forty six years before I was born, my life has been directly affected by his work of absolute genious, "Peter Pan".

The story of Peter Pan inspired me as a child. It filled me with curiosity and hunger for adventure. Though I'm not supposed to, I'll let you in on a secret. For the first decade of my life, my birthday wish whilst blowing out my candles was "I WISH I COULD FLY". I desperately wanted it. It took a further fourteen years to come true however...

My adult life has been equally effected by Mister Barrie's work. There's the same tingle of excitement it always gave me as a child, his beautiful use of the English language and the inspiration he has given me as a writer and then, of course, there's the fact that I've played Peter Pan more than any other role on my resume. 
I love playing the part. I'm currently playing my fifth Pan and it still doesn't get boring. There is a brilliant moment that always comes when you're dangling in your flying harness over the audience. When the lighting is just right, you catch sight of a small child's face in the crowd and you can see by the amazement spread across their face that they truly believe Peter is flying before their eyes. It gives me great pleasure to know that those children are experiencing that same spark of adventure that I did when I was a little boy.

I would have loved to meet James Barrie and ask him a million questions. Though the book is a work of happiness, youth and joy, it is pregnant with a deep sadness. There are so many points from Barrie's own life that made it into the book.
The sad demise of his mother after his brother David's death and her one comfort being that he would remain a child forever.  Barrie's attempt to dress as his brother David and stop growing up so that she could have her favourite son back. The death of five year old Margaret Henley who referred to Barrie as her "Fwendy" and the use of the word as the leading lady's name. Barrie's unusual and possibly unhealthy love for the Llewelyn Davies boys and their "Boy Castaways" adventures that inspired the lost boys, Wendy's brother's John and Michael and possibly even Peter. 
Was Neverland simply a place that Barrie invented to house all the sadness in his life and turn it into something beautiful? I guess we'll never know for sure...
I'm very grateful for Peter Pan and all the way's the 'little boy who would not grow up' has shaped my life. As a young writer at the beginning of my career, I can only hope to one day write something that comes even remotely close to Barrie's piece. As a performer I am very aware that I am slowly getting older and one day will be too old to play the role of Peter... Though I'm wishing for a few more yet.
And finally, as someone that stands for keeping one's inner child alive and healthy, I'm fixing my eyes on the second star to the right and I very much believe in fairies.
x